Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in xsmashleybunkx's LiveJournal:

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Wednesday, May 9th, 2007
10:53 pm	Dear Grandpa, It's been almost two years since you left us, and some days it still feels like it hurts more than the day you left. It is on days like this that I truly miss you more than I ever thought I could miss someone. So much has happened in your pass, and it makes me feel better to know you are looking down on me and making sure I don't mess up, but there are still those instances where I just need you to "gava, gava...." and bring me back to my childhood. I want to call grandma all the time, and visit her, but the pain and lonliness in her voice, and the one in my heart is almost overwhelming. Your stability in life was always something to admire...and we need that right now. I need that right now. I know you are sending well wishes to the family, but please get us through this. I can't look at your picture in my car without crying, I can't listen to Frank Sinatra without thinking about you serenading grandma in the living room. You were always so gentle and wise; always taking the lighter side of things. Something everyone in this cold world should take to. I don't know why you left, I don't think you were quite ready, but if it wasn't your time...you wouldn't have gone. I still have the fondest last moments with you. Seems like everyone else was turmoiled with sadness and tears when they said goodbye to you...but I have that one perfect glimmering moment in my head where you blew me a kiss and through the air sent me your love and your goodbye. In a bittersweet way, after you left, we got closer. My dad cried into my shoulder next to your bed, and that was the first time in my life I ever saw a man with so much pride, break down and make himself vulnerable. Three generations of hurt and wonder sat in that hospital room, and I don't think things have ever gone back to "normal." You know what I mean. I miss your bold scent, I miss seeing you asleep in the den with your index finger at the corner of your mouth, I miss how no matter what the obstacle, you could always figure out some way to make it seem like the most simple thing in the world, I miss that lump in my throat when I looked at you and grandma together, still flirting, still holding hands after almost 60 years together, I miss your laughter and your voice, and mostly, I miss not being able to ever hear it again. I know that you are here, I just wish you were HERE. Please make sure uncle Kenny gets better, and make sure grandma stops hurting so much too. I miss you terribly. I just want something to replace or sublimate the emptiness I feel. At times, you are the center of my world. Love always, Boopie/Dolly. (Comment on this)
Saturday, October 14th, 2006
11:16 pm	a year in its entirity i never look before crossing and i never will. evil is much more interesting than being solid, and the confidential is always more interesting than the stated facts. i guess that's why people sin. ...you can color a story any way you want and nobody will ever know the black and white. you can't scrape the wax off a intricately designed page..and i guess if you look at life like that; like a child's coloring book...you can't really take anything back, but really, when it comes right down to it, you wouldn't ever want to. you wouldn't need to. in a child's eyes; being an "indian-giver" is always worse than being a liar. when the worst part about being a liar is having to erase the color you've added, it doesn't matter anyway. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 7th, 2005
4:04 pm	Tom Don't stop giving yourself away. You are still the best friend to a seventeen year old kid. A myriad of fingers. The youngest old man I ever knew blew a kiss into the hall. It remains there to this day. On walls with charts and numbers without names. It isn't a matter of "fairness" when an unopened letter becomes the beautiful half of a golden hurt. What others found in human love, you found in the eyes of your father. He floated away when he decided he didn't like the taste of the air here. The molecules of his existence were transformed into a pocket full of seeds. Falling into the wind. A grand ballet of dancing specks, travelling, seeking, fluttering. Falling or flying. Dropping or creating. Spit out by the earth and called back. The warmth of the soil, greedy in anticipation for a birth. You have to wait to be gathered. And you did. I never knew you, but the closeness you bring to me is something I'll never understand. But will always cherish. An impossibility of staying. Stubborn or changing with the wind. Perrenial. Surviving the cold/ Always achieving and then losing the sensation of being completed with the soil. What doesn't belong? It's not for anyone to decide who gets to stay. A constant disquisition. In every medicine, there is a little poison. In every soul there are unsaid words. When you let them out. One way to learn about faith, is to lose it completely. How gently you left, your goodbye still in the air. Nothing can ever move the significance of finally feeling as if you have arrived. And you did. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, December 6th, 2005
1:31 pm	... not so much wrinkled as it is "worn" not really tired, just "accomplished." hands that should fit together, taking seperate cars. like long-time business partners, associates, acquaintances, two parallel paths; one made of stone, the other of dirt. this is what married couples often look like. (Comment on this)
1:13 pm	doubt. keeps me from pushing, struggling..for more than i have strength for. pride gets me there. when even an open door is an obstacle, when there is little difference between being confused and being hurt, between exploring and losing your way. you can't help but think... i can't help but think, maybe the efforts of burdened individuals would dilute themselves, if if we started seeing things as "injured" instead of "broken" (Comment on this)
Sunday, May 22nd, 2005
2:39 am	so. some people live their lives as if they might die the next day...but me, i live mine as if everyone else might die the next day. this difference brings me closer, and yet isolates me from everyone i care about. i guess we don't really have a common cause afterall. this mess. i'm doing my best to keep my head up through all this turmoil, and through it all..... the fake smiles and "im ok"'s...only one person has managed to figure me out. i feel like i was 30 seconds out of luck. if a half a minute could change your destiny would everyone live by the second hand instead of scratching things off a calander? all i'm drawing here are incompletes. you tried to enlighten me to the past...i listened and you didn't expect that i guess. my entire life i'll remember your voice. see that's the thing with living your life this way...you ruin the people you love. no matter what shadow you're seeing them OUT of...you leave behind. one thing i can count on in my life is that i'll make the wrong decisions. when there's a choice...i'll pick the worser of the two. i don't use good judgement because there's never a plan. trying to please everyone else is never successful. cleaning out all these drawers and shelves it has become apparant to me that i toss words around, i toss emotions around, i toss the truth around. cementation doesn't even exist with me. but i am able to be touched. and you touched me...every crevice of my soul. i said "you get me"....and i know you felt good about that. what happened next is nameless. tragic. you were around every corner. and my thoughts couldn't come to a conclusion. still i'm wondering. i know this is never going to find the eyes that i want it to. its like i'm holding up a magnifying glass to anything that breathes....but really, deep down i know what i want to scrutinize and marvel and and love. when you figure out how you're different, its easy to see how you just want to be the same. whether that be broken or free....you want to be the same. because it feels safe (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, May 19th, 2005
5:22 pm	guiding me all the way home every time i breathe in...i have to really think before i exhale....because with most of those sighs...comes a tear...or two or three. try meeting your soul mate. try meeting the one other person in the world who is supposed to be next to you. try waking up everyday knowing youve met your other half. it's like a thousand and one emotions have single-handedly stolen your existence... you can't escape something like this. and for the first time, i don't want to. instead of running away i can run to him. at the moment i understood that....i understood everything else in life. you can't pick and choose the things that happen to you, but you can choose to embrace or deny them...and this...this moment when i finally feel like i'm doing the right thing,..i'm going to embrace it. whether or not i've already managed to sabotage it, is out of my control. but knowing what i know now...i can disregard every other human fallacy. this is real. it's life. it hurts. and this may be a stretch...but it also heals. and sometimes you're lucky enough to meet a person who is able to fill you will all the sensations that life does, simply through their existence. i know now that there are people who hurt, and there are people who heal. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 10th, 2005
6:19 pm	my hero. on saturday my world came crashing down on me. my grandpa, who has been my hero since i can remember, passed away after a short-term stay in the hospital and an extensive brain surgery. it still hasnt hit me. i've never been so heartbroken. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, April 5th, 2005
11:14 pm	what keeps me grounded? gravity. and that's it. (Comment on this)
Thursday, March 17th, 2005
10:47 am	. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, March 15th, 2005
11:29 pm	regression. prediction. proportion. i dont use words that don't jump out. today i realized how people change. they change from humans to something i don't remember coming in contact with. humane. morale. individual. to weak. feeble. i used to love all your quirks, even the drama, even the annoyance. i used to love every moment of laughter. every second of indescretion. now it seems as if you've all moved on. you've all grown up...not grown up. just grown. grown into people who no longer see the big picture for what its worth. one of you has always been crazy. you were lighthearted, you made mistakes, took risks and genuinely didn't care about the wrong things. now you are nothing. your name doesn't leave my lips, not because i don't want it to...but because it has no reason to leave them. one of you was brave, without ambition but understanding of the human capacity and life. now you're caught up in what everyone else experienced before you. you could have amounted. you could have shown a lot of people what courage and innocence you have. your corruption killed 1/6th of my heart. the last of you never meant a thing to me. fallacy. pretend. your life doesn't make sense even to you. you've been depressed, rebirthed and changed back into what you were before. never a metamorphosis at all. now you see what i mean. with the words. they are all important. the words i write are more important than the people they represent. a smile doesn't form when i realize what i wasted on you all. a friendship. it never was. there was never a bond. never a mutual understanding. or even a concern. there was nothing genuine about that circle of facades. you're all fake. and i guess so am i. but fuck you for trying and fuck me for believing it. there's not a person in the world i need. there's not a person in the world i don't need. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, March 14th, 2005
2:20 pm	incoherentincoherentincoherent. i've hibernated. i've hated. but then i realize that people say "this won't matter in 10 years...so i'm just going to live in the moment" you don't know what that means. but you're not blind. you don't know what idiocy means. if you are trying so hard to live in the moment....you wouldn't even need to justify that. this does matter. now. it matters. i care, but sometimes the equations that are constantly formulating in my head add up. it should make sense. when things add up. but when numbers and figures perfectly align, confusion swells in my brain. a childhood. a friend. pictures. sometimes you think you remember that. "back then." but you don't you only have glimpses of it through photographs and videos. cancer eats you but it doesn't have to kill you. my mom tells me that people are getting older. i don't want to believe her. i want to believe that with time, things may grow and change...but not age. why do i give this a negative conotation? why does it hurt me to think that it it. i don't care if i get old. i just don't want anyone else to. let me go. before anyone else. is that selfish or selfless. a childhood friend with cancer. he never meant more to me than he does now....when an hour ago he was a forgotten face in a photograph and now suddenly i have patriotism. all i see is the "=" whether or not i know things have to end and add up is beyond my conscious recognition. all i know is that i want there to be a void. i want one equation to run into another so that age is not a definition of what things MUST. i've never hated before. it hurts. you are in pain. you are alone. you are a secret. you care too much. you don't care enough. you are masked. you underestimate. you are underestimated. you are not respected. you are intelligent. you are worthy. you are selfish. you love. you critisize. you genuinely worry. i escape. i escape. i escape. its funny when the only way out is to leave. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, February 15th, 2005
11:00 pm	sitting sitting is always better than standing when you're afraid your heart will fall right out of you when you stand up. how? how is it that the most important person in my world became the person who breaks my soul just by not showing up. i told him not to come. who really wants to be alone? i guess being direct is more important than i thought. thinking. i'm thinking maybe i need to start over. but when you can't stop crying. or can't stop thinking. thinking that maybe you messed up. maybe he should have just dont what his heart was feeling. i don't want my name leaving his lips. but i want him to watch my back as i leave the room. if he could understand that it would have all been o.k. lies. lies. i'm better than that. maybe i'm better than you. i always warned you not to underestimate you. so you didn't you just hurt me. i'm not going to get over this. i'm just going to get over you. (Comment on this)
11:52 am	never been so lonely. it never hurt so much as it did being let down. i know from experience not to expect anything...but in my child's mind i did. i know i was right all along...its still the same as it will ever be...but i'm a hard person to hold on to....so instead of letting him give up on me...i'm giving up on him. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, January 6th, 2005
7:07 pm	. sometimes life breaks your heart....but it doesnt have to break your spirit. i loved a boy with everything i had. i loved every color, every corner, every wisp of him. i guess when you go and do something stupid like that...you are vulnerable. the funny thing is...well there isn't a funny thing this time. leave it to me. and ill leave you alone. all by yourself to wonder why i couldnt come through with one thing. someone i loved told me about someone who loved. a wife loves a husband. he's home. she cries inside. but never. never outside. a canopy. big beds in the living room. the scent. it smells like home. the weather is perfect here. its temperature. not weather. whether or not. whether or not. they love. he loves. the love. he has a name. why do you remember him? ahhhh their love. "everyone has gone away. cane you hear me? can you hear me? no one cared enough to stay. can you hear me? can you hear me? you must remember me old man, i know that you can if you try so just open up your eyes old man. look who's come to say goodbye. the sun has left the sky old man, the birds have flown away. and no one came to cry old man. goodbye, old man, goodbye. you want to stay, i know you do, but it ain't no use to try. 'cause ill be here and im just like you. won't be no God to comfort you, you taught me not to believe that lie. you don't need nobody. nobody needs you. don't cry old man, don't cry. everybody dies". (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 22nd, 2004
11:27 pm	i'm never literal i'm going on a trip. i have maps. i'll wear my seatbelt, i will arrive and laugh. it's better to walk away from something knowing that one person has won. seems like whenever i've won, i've lost twice as much. pride has never meant more to me and i can only blame my childhood that turned me agile and cold. i remember people in my past and when i recall dates and facts... it was really not long ago. my confusion of past with present is a good sign that i've come too far only to see that its not nearly far enough.... in the end: i see the girl on the escalator. the one with the sad eyes. the only thing this moment reveals is that its me. and there is no such thing as a sadness when its only me. sometimes they are surrounded with people, but feel alone. but i have no one. and i'm still alone. should this be so obvious to me? i cry because i don't know any better. i should have listened to what was right. now i have no understanding. i saw someone who didn't have as much as much as me and i felt fortunate. then i wondered if i was wrong. they probably had so much more and looked at me the same way. now i've grown cold and my bones are like ice. when was the last time i felt like i cared? i can't even remember the last time i felt ... you. and watching you walk away, watching you leave down the stairs and only look back once when we both knew you should have stayed, watching the person who meant most to me leave without a goodbye....was like writing a song that you already know the words to...writing something you don't even believe in. (Comment on this)
Sunday, December 19th, 2004
4:33 am	11/11 veteran's day. i know it was weeks ago, but i still think about it. a day to remember or a day to forget? i don't need anyone any more. i cannot commit to anyone. i am now labeled, though i did this to myself, i cannot help but think how funny this all is. fragmented my relationships are. i always think its going to go differently. that somehow "this one" will keep me around, but i toss people's emotions around and for loss of a better excuse; i couldnt care less. when i know i'm hurting myself too....it somehow seems less guilty (plauging). i'm very sick. i pretend i'm fine. story of my life. the drinking has started again. it's been nearly ten minutes since i said i "won" my battle. i think i only said that because i know other people read this and i desperately need someone to be proud of me. i'm such an idiot. who am i kidding? probably you. it stops when things are going bad and my emotions are intense enough to make me choke on my liquid consentor. this time the pattern is comparable to a confused child's pulse. my clothes recently stopped matching as if they did it intentionally. call me crazy, but being alone has suddenly become strangely comfortable. when familiar things start to introduce themselves for the first time....i know i've created regret for myself this time. the world will never belong to me, but oh how i will pretend...and mock. i will continue to pass through people's lives. now more of a breeze than anything else. more recognizable. one day. i'll get trapped. but it will feel like home and then ill know that i feel better. the fever will be gone and i will understand and recall what its like to compromise. i loved you in so many ways that i couldnt choose one...so i chose to choose none. it will never make sense. my "garden" is empty...and i know i did that myself. someday i will be ready to stay outside when i hear it thunder...and i hope youll still be here for it. i know you know what this means. and if you dont....then you will someday. (4 Comments |Comment on this)
4:24 am	you told me this wasn't right there will be a time in everyone's life when they don't know if they've made a huge mistake or if the best thing in thier life has just happened to them. it will be almost impossible to decipher between the two and confusion will set in concerning the rest of their existence. there are always times in which worry is your case, and times when all you can do is shine. i will forever misunderstand when it is my time to worry and when i can shine. but right now...on this day, in this moment of my life....i will shine. the days. the days are so much shorter when i don't drink. but the nights. drag on forever. i can't even believe i'm still awake. as if to teach me a lesson i never wanted to learn to begin with. even as as i write this, i am in a huge hurry. outside this room of mine, everything else waits for me. thrills and scares the shit out of me. what i wouldnt do for five extra minutes added on to today. i need a drink but i know ill never get that far. to the ones who i loved: i didnt mean to. to the ones who loved me: youll never understand. but i fought my battle, and i won. most wont see this as a victory at all, but rather a recovery from some evil that consumed me. i dont even know them. i won. don't take this from me. (Comment on this)
Saturday, December 18th, 2004
1:51 pm	I'll see you when we're both dinoosaurs it's strange talking to someone who you used to know everything about....but now "catching up" seems like it takes forever and you're meeting them for the first time in your life. we were wrong to think we could ever be more than memories to each other. after "the crash" as i like to call it. everyone's changed since then, but we still remember what it was like. have a lost or gained? probably. but it doesnt matter when having nothing means you have everything you've ever wanted. he was wrong. it's not unfair....it's life. it's almost funny to look back. how enthralled i was. i've never had a problem with adjustment...and he just happened to complete me. amazing how 6 days or even a few hours can determine the rest of your life. and even your next move. each carefully thought-out step that is my life, has now turned into an uncoordinated jumble of toes stepping on toes and rustling panic. but that's only from up close, from far off, its a beautifully routined dance in which everyone knows what they are doing, and what they will be doing next. this might never make sense. all i understand is that right now, my life is different. i dont know if it's the weather or change of address but i have met....and that....does exist. no matter how many times ive thought ive had it...you cant possibly know until you do have it. ???? everything before this was a lesson. and i guess i did pretty damn good. i can't remember a time when he sounded less miserable. the happier i become the larger his plastered grin gets. i never meant for this, and i cant help wondering if he knows that. its been only a day,...yet it feels like forever since he's looked my way . i dont worry about him more than once an hour. i keep thinking im going to hear from him any second, but i always just go back to my book. some things never change. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, December 17th, 2004
1:15 pm	you hate your mall job. happiness is the confidense in knowing that you are who you are. everyone wants to change themselves, but it doesn't make any sense. we brainwash ourselves to think that we are supposed to "be" something. but it will never count for anything. the "becoming" process is more significant that anything you will ever become. and insecure people say such hurtful things. and i know youll never resort to that level. youll never be someone youre not. please never change yourself because of other people's cruel words. i will never make anyone feel that way i know they try to make others feel. fuck them for trying to belittle you. they dont know you. they dont know what you've done. where you're going or why thier words affected you in the opposite way for which they intended. i hope you never fix what you want to change about yourself. but only because i wish you would see what good things you do have and indulge them. your positive aspects far outweigh the negative and when you realize that....you'll realize that the same goes for others. your coldness fuels my kindness and your words kill, but i awkwardly see right through them, shrug my shoulders, and say "thank you". (Comment on this)